So here it is folks… my journey this week I dare say is not so different to many other peoples on this planet. Frustration leads to downward spiral and emotional de-clutter.
I have been looking for a new place to live and on Monday I viewed a lovely little cottage, but because I am not in the rat-race, on the treadmill and don’t have proof of my earnings, it is much more difficult to convince the people operating the systems that I am a viable option!
I have just spent 40 years working in an environment where I protected people and their rights, but now I find myself vulnerable. What do I do … well, I let myself get frustrated and told myself a story, a negative one of course and that’s when the ‘what if’s’ started to creep in. I now have a picture of not getting anywhere to live and yet I’ve not actually been told I’m not getting the cottage!! I start to feel uneasy about the winter coming and I need to move from the Glen before I get snowed in. Hmm…giving urgency to the situation!
WTF. I’m a LIFE COACH I should know better, well actually yes, I should know better, but having the insight doesn’t always mean I can apply the techniques when I am feeling vulnerable. Why not you say? Well because I am human and human behaviour is complex. Whilst I can rationalise, my thinking is creating my negativity, I try to place my trust in the Universe that all will be ok, and I will be settled in some nice little home before the winter. Then another thought arises, what if I can’t earn enough money self-employed, you can see where I am going with this…yep …another story.
The week progresses and then a threat to my own mortality. My brave friend has been dealing with her challenges around cancer and her chemotherapy treatment, now to be faced with another complication. Here she is working through all the emotional and physical turmoil and I am worrying about a house and finances. I feel guilty when I compare her situation to mine, therein lies the problem, I shouldn’t do the comparison!
I think of us both in the same ward with pre-eclampsia all those years ago giving birth to our daughters. Our paths so different but yet so connected! That sets me thinking about my daughter who has recently gone travelling to Australia and how I am missing her. I then go on to thinking about my mother dying when I was 20 and wondering what my life would have been had she been around and so it goes on. Too much thinking and not enough doing! By the end of the week I am feeling pretty low. Friends have commented that no matter what situation or decision I was faced with I was putting up a block.
What was that all about? It is with one close friend in particular that I released a great deal of grief about things past and present. Sitting quietly later in the evening I realised a lot of what I was dealing with was about the mother daughter connection past and present.
I am sure there are many other women out there who can resonate with the context of this blog and if you do then know this – strong women can still be strong even when faced with life’s hurdles.
What I have learned from my situation this week is that it is ok to once in a while have a “clearing” to enable you to move in the right direction. The frustration led to vulnerability which led to challenge, which led to frank and open dialogue which led to emotional healing. I am so grateful to the friends I have who feel able to make the appropriate challenges and give the loving support they do.
I am of the belief that some situations are presented to us in different guises to help us heal… who would have thought that a frustration over something which is out with my control would have led to such overwhelm. I now feel much more relaxed having an insight into how my emotions have manifested in my everyday behaviours.
This blog reinforces how stories we tell ourselves and how we judge ourselves and others so often impact on our behaviour and limit our ability focus on the positive.
Whilst I have been writing this the rain has come hammering down and I took this as a sign that my ‘clearing’ is complete. I can now move on from the LOSS and accept it for what it is. The death of my mother taught me strength and resilience and I know that my daughter has both those components in her. Lessons learnt, and lessons taught.
CLARITY, COURAGE, CONFIDENCE